This is dedicated to the customers at B and N, which I am wonderfully no longer a member of.

The Hot Chocolate Bitch.

Ok, this woman (attractive, mid-thirties) comes in EVERY DAY to get a medium skim hot chocolate-extra hot-and two rice krispie squares. This is a 7.50 purchase, for something that she could get for about 3 dollars in a gas station if she's totally against making them herself, and it would taste A LOT better. Beyond that, though I can charm the skin off a rattlesnake, this bitch never cracked a smile, and I had made it my mission. After awhile, I changed my mission to avoid waiting on her at all costs.

The One Pump Mocha Frappuccino Bitch.

This woman came in one night, accused my co-worker of not putting mocha into her drink, "Um, what are you doing?! What are you putting in my drink?" "Uh...mocha..." "No, No, I KNOW you guys have your mocha on THAT side of the cafe!" We have two mocha pumps...and she's a psychopath. She then came back and declared that "It just doesn't taste right. Can you remake it?" So I informed her that we had run out of regular frap mix, and thus were only serving the low-fat shit, and she was the only one who noticed...I told her I could make it with espresso and cream base...of which she made me make the fucking drink THREE TIMES and demanded a bakery dessert, and made sure that we'd get an order in of the regular mix the next day. Then from that day forward, she'd make sure all employees showed her that we were using the regular mix and makes us wait while she "taste tests" her piece of shit drink.

The Obviously Impoverished Family with Five Kids that Spends 20 Dollars on Fraps One Minute Before Close.

Man, that irritated me.

The Piece of Shit American that Speaks Spanish just to be a Fuck.

Comes in just before close to get a free cup of water and have someone validate his existence. He literally comes ALL THE WAY TO BARNES AND NOBLE, TO THE BACK OF THE STORE, just to fuck with the cafe workers. Behold, my first encounter:

"Hola! Necesito {insert mad fast spanish here}"

"Um...what?"

{Repeats fast spanish just as fast}

"I don't know what you're saying..."

"Oh, I need a cup of water." No sign of an accent.

"Ok..."

"Yeah, I like to come in here and do that to girls I haven't been waited on by before. I do that at the movie theater a lot. It's just funny to see the dumb look on their faces."

"You think we look dumb when you come in here just to get a cup of water and speak another language that isn't even your first one, JUST to mess with us?"

"Aw, come on, it's funny!"


The Ann Coulter Fan

Comes up to the counter with Godless, by Ann Coulter.

"Yeah, I want an apple purse for here."
"Ok, would you like that heated up with caramel on it?"
"NO, I don't want that! Jesus, you'll ruin it! Just give me some whipped cream."
"Ok, tell me when."
Proceeds to let me pile mountains of whipped cream all over the plate.
"heh heh. I like a little apple with my whipped cream. Heh heh."
"Yeah. So do you want to buy that?" Point to Ann the Cooze Coulter.
"Oh, DEFINITELY. We just LOVE her. We listen to her on the radio everynight. Last night she just had some HILARIOUS things to say about, you know, our favorite people...heh heh."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Yeah. So do you want a bag?"
"No, I'm going to start reading it here. I'm too excited to wait."